ranting

i wrote this on January 6th initially. I let people read it for about maybe a day and decided it was best left unsaid....

ok here is my life in a nutshell. honestly, i don't know what has influenced me to even write it but here we go.

student teaching next semester which starts sooner than i think. i don't even know what i am going to do. i'm completely clueless and scared. we arent even allowed to buy our student teacher handbooks until tomorrow. i feel panicked because i wanted to do nothing but plan for it during this break but apparently, that is too compulsive for everyone so maybe there is something wrong with me.

anyway, this break has disappeared from me faster than i expected. mainly because i've put myself into some sort of social coma. and why? mainly because i have no money. i am broke poor. broke broke broke. and i am a loser. i expected to find myself some sort of job during the break but no. i handed in a bunch of applications and got one interview. the fucking cracker barrel didnt hire me because i'm graduating in may. which apparently everyone says i should have lied and said i planned to stay here, what i actually told them was the truth that i had no idea what i wanted to do just yet. even that was sort of a lie because i can't wait to get out of bloomsburg. i have very few friends here and i really don't hang out with any of them.

so yes, i am still working at the camp which the school was kind enough to reduce my hours to 9.5 a week. and that does not even pay my bills anymore. and yes, i have people who pity me enough to help me. joe helped pay my half of the cable/internet last month. i was very grateful. my sister gave me a bunch of teacher clothes for christmas and my birthday and decided to give me a hundred dollars as well. i am undeserving of all of that, but very very thankful. but it also makes me feel pathetic. i can't remember the last time i was in any sort of a situation that resembled this. perhaps high school before i had a job and depended upon my stupid mother for money. money that was supplied to her from the government from my father's death. the last time i saw you with a job mother was when i was in elementary/middle school and you kept it for a week. when i turned 18, they were going to give me that money. imagine what i would have done! one thing i love about myself is that i am so responsible about stuff like that. i would have saved it, bought myself my first car and saved for college. you demanded i sign over my checks or you would kick me out. so i did that. i can't help of think of those times now when i am struggling to graduate college and pay my bills.

the situation with my mother will never get better. and i will never be able to throw her out of my life. i don't know. maybe i'm too weak. she thinks i'm the devil. i'm the worse child a parent could have had apparently. why? well recently because i could not afford to buy her a pair of jeans for christmas. like i said above i can't pay my bills and she knows that but threw quite the number of fits complaining that i could not buy her a present. my favorite was on christmas day. my holiday was ruined, thanks mother. apparently i am supposed to fucking kiss your feet for giving birth to me, which you have acted like you were some sort of helpless teenager accidently getting pregnant and my father wanted to marry so "the baby would have a proper name". thanks for telling me, but i know you were around the age of 30. that is old enough to be responsible for your own actions. all this was no reason for you to constantly call me a whore when i was in fact a virgin in high school. you didnt want me to get pregnant in grade school and verbally abused me so i wouldn't .... i wasnt even having sex and had no interest in such irresponsible things.

then, there is the fact that you recently wrote me and said "lose weight, because you are chunky" and apparently you were fully justified in this action because my father died of a heart condition and was overweight. yeah i fucking realize that, but holy shit i didn't think i was that bad. i wear a size medium. you haven't even really seen me that often, but claim seeing me in my pjs on christmas was enough to justify this comment. i was wearing size small pajamas that joe's mom bought me. worse of all, i thought i was looking better. i thought i was losing weight. i was feeling better about myself. even in high school, when i went from a size 0 to 2/3 you called me fat. you ruin my life. stop telling me bad things about my father. i know he was in jail and i know why, i know he hit his kids up until the last few years of his life and i forgive him and will never hit my own children. i know that he had an ex-wife, whom he had two children with. this means i have a half brother and sister somewhere that i will prob never know. much like i will never know any of my family, because we were the black sheep of the family. much to your selfish need to money and demands to them causing them to ban you. i value family more than all and i dont even know them.

and i know i'm not supposed to complain to people. that was what high school did teach me. especially to the horrible day i will forever remember when my best friends took the opprotunity to make fun of me the day that i was absent about how i complain about every little thing. the girl who told me herself once called me a red headed slut, because i talked to her boyfriend in our studies with her sitting next to him. well she befriended me so i hope she didnt mean that but whatever. i forgive them all and i feel i am a better person now. but i think the real reason i complained about everything small was because i didnt tell any of you the real shit and problems that were going on at home. oh well. i am not going to sit here and write all the problems in high school. although i am very grateful i had my high school sweetheart and also my best friend during those times. my best friend is gone from my life now, but i understand he has things to do. my high school sweetheart stood by my side through dark times, even if he didn't know how dark they really were. although, i don't think i can forget the day i told him i wanted to kill myself and he was sick of the annoyingness of me i guess and told me i should just do it and shut up.... it's ok i forgive you.

oh yes, the reason i did not attend my high school graduation. well, i got really sick the day before. i don't even know what was wrong with me. i went to work anyway, where i was clearly unable to function but they forced me to stay anyway. whatever. i think they let me off an hour early. while i waited for my ride (the glory of having to depend upon other people for rides for everything was wonderful), normally i would have just walked it was only a half hour but i was too sick... anyway, i slept in the coat closet until finally someone came for me. i went home and there i slept for three days straight. one thing that i do remember in those three days is that the morning of my actual graduation my mother woke me up to tell me she was leaving for philly to stay with her boyfriend. i told her i was sick and she threw a bag of crackers at me, told me that i better go to my graduation and left. i don't remember much else of those three days... i wonder what the hell was wrong with me... i was looking forward to graduation so much. i bought that white dress which i loved loved loved, and never really got to wear it. i never got to have pictures with my friends and i never got my 20 refunded for the senior all night party. when my best friend at the time tried to get my gift bag from there where, the best thing is, a shirt that has your whole classes names on the back, they told him no.... thinking about that stuff makes me tear up. i wanted that memory...

there is much worse, but there is so much better. maybe i'll write the better one day but for now my fucking hands hurt.